This past weekend was my birthday. Michael took the boys fishing/camping at our friend's cabin in the forest “up north”. I was alone from Thursday at 5pm until Sunday at 3pm!!!
Happy birthday to me! I had dinner with my friends and family, I had a couple of girlfriends spend the night after we got fun drunk and I met some friends for breakfast and a lunch! It was amazing!
I kept having people ask me, "Aren't you so excited to be alone?" I was. It was nice not to pick up a toy or to make a snack a half hour after we finished lunch. I didn't have to hear " hey mom! Look!" for three and a half whole days. It was nice to write when I wanted to and just be free.
However, something was off. I knew I just didn't feel right. Something was missing. At first I attributed it to the lack of my kids’ noise. Everything was so quiet. But, nope, that wasn't it.
Then I realized what it was on Friday. My girlfriend asked me, "Why do you keep checking your phone?" while we were at lunch. I replied that I was waiting for the text with Rocco's lunch blood sugar number(from his teacher). As soon as I said this, I smiled...
Ahhh, that's it! I was missing the numbers. There were no numbers coming. No text was on its way. Rocco was with Michael at a cabin in the woods. I was missing the numbers. The constant, every day, blood sugar numbers that I have grown accustomed to. The numbers that dictate our next meal (or not). The numbers that constantly tell me if I am a good mom (or not). The numbers that make us eat sugar or zero-carb foods. The numbers that have enslaved me.
Not today. Not for the next two days. No numbers. It was an eery feeling. Like after a pet dies and there is a stillness in your house. Or when the power goes out and you keep turning on the light switch. I continued to make the mistake of checking my phone throughout the day. At night, I thought about finding Rocco’s blood sugar monitor to go upstairs and check him. But then I remembered that there was no one to check. All of my routines and habits, on hold.
For the first time in a long time, I did not have diabetes by default. Once it was missing, I realized how much it rules my every thought. My every thought... It consumes our family as we focus on those numbers every day. I imagine the scene in Good Will Hunting where Matt Damon is up at the blackboard feverishly writing down numbers. Every day, I am Matt Damon at the blackboard, with all those numbers swimming in my head.
Ok, that last one is just plain old eye candy for my lady readers!
Those numbers belonged to Michael for a couple days. He is the only person on the planet that I trust enough to let myself off the hook. He knows how to care for Rocco in any scenario. If they were stuck in the woods, he would still know how to care for him. If they had something terrible happen, he would know exactly what to do. For this reason, I was able to let myself relax. For the first time in a long time.
The boys have spent the night at their grandparents, and both sets of grandparents do an amazing job. But I am still "on". Maybe through a text at midnight or an early morning call regarding breakfast. Either way, I am still married to the blood sugar numbers.
So, I was excited to not be needed as "mom" this weekend. But I was especially excited to not be needed as "diabetes mom".
Thanks Michael for wearing the ball and chain for a couple of days. It was a nice break! But now I’m refreshed and ready to get back at it!