If you asked me what the hardest part of being a mother was, I would say without a doubt- the constant pressure to appreciate it.
My biggest fear (that has already been realized), is that I forget it all. I am worried that the boys will go to high school one day, on a random Tuesday and bound off in their car as all teenagers do and I will stand in my kitchen wondering how it all happened so fast. The thought of that suffocates me. Then I imagine myself watching old videos only wishing I would have taken more.
I fear that I will not be able to remember the little way that Zeke puts his tiny hand over my hand when he is scared. Today in this moment, at six, he needs me as his touchstone. I am his something safe and familiar when he walks into an environment that is overwhelming. However, one day, very soon, he won't even look over his shoulder as he gets on the bus. I know this is all normal and I want him to grow up healthy and happy and most importantly well adjusted. But for me and my life, how do you really appreciate it all?
When one of the boys says something funny I sometimes would post it in a little book that we call the funny book. I am glad I did. Some of the stories are hilarious. But usually the funny book is in a drawer in another room and I am too lazy to get up and write it all down. I always say to myself "I KNOW I will remember that one tomorrow!" but sure enough once I finally track down the book I have forgotten.
When the boys were two I would send my mom funny story emails and I took thousands of pictures. But once they were three I was so damn busy attending to their every need I never reached over to the computer and logged on to email her. The pictures all became pictures of the back of their heads. By the time I grabbed the camera and turned it on, they were already "on to the next thing".
So again, I struggle. When they were babies in the double stroller hundreds of people would randomly walk up to me and say "appreciate it while you can it goes really fast". These words would just stress me out! I wanted to scream "I know people! I am trying to memorize everything here but I am a little busy!" but I knew they were right. Everyday, I would watch them I'm amazement swearing to myself to remember it all but the next morning it would be gone.
So I and the rest of the world need your help. What do you do to appreciate it all?
1 day ago