When you go through five years of infertility, you feel devastated and defeated.
When you go through nine months of a high-twin pregnancy, you feel scared and out of control.
When your heart fails and you are tachycardic for five years, you feel heavy.
When you take care of a child with type 1 diabetes, you feel anxious.
I have felt all of this. My life literally went from one of these things to another over the past twelve years. All of these "siutations" ate up my thirties.
Today, I am 41 and as the weather changed from Winter to Spring finally, I decided to try to walk down a trail near my house. Alone. Over the past twelve years, this was never an option for one of the above reasons.
As I walked, I felt nothing. I wasn't devastated or defeated. My heart rate stayed strong and steady. A text with Rocco's blood sugar came through and he was at 112, the perfect number. I wasn't toting around two, whining toddlers.
I actually was getting annoyed that I couldn't find the perfect song in my playlist. Then, all of a sudden, I stopped. I realized not finding the perfect song was my biggest problem.
It felt so good to smile and to walk and to feel light.
I thought about how all of my "situations" were just part of my path. Even though these times were hard and sometimes devastating, I now can appreciate all that each one of them has taught me. I know it is the strength that I gained by coming out on the healthy side of each of these that I will draw from when my boys return home seeking advice for their "situations." I hope that when faced with adverse times, they will empower themselves to pull from the depths of their strength. I hope they will allow themselves to move past the victim moments, learn from their situations and carry on wiser than they otherwise would have.
I knew within hours Rocco's blood sugar would probably spike or drop and the anxiety monster would return. But on my walk all alone, I decided to appreciate my story so far and revel in the fact that maybe for me the worst that life has to offer is past me. Fingers crossed and knocking on wood. I made it through and I will choose the turn my forties into a time of less worry and more love. To give back to those who helped me during the last twelve years. I am healthy, strong and capable now. I have energy and gratitude to fuel me. I will give love and help away like free flowers. Everyone loves free flowers, right?
The sun on my head felt good. I walked three miles that day. Light and happy. Finally.