Wednesday after dropping the kids at school, they closed the door and the car went from a decibel of 11 to 0. I turned on the radio because the silence was inviting yet deafening. Then, I started to cry. I missed them. I had an easy sense of protection for them. I felt like I forgot something. Snack? Check. Lunches? Check. I just couldn't pinpoint the uneasy feeling I had. I wanted to turn the car around, pick them up and fill the car with the 11 decibel noise. Of course, I couldn't but I wanted to. I called my girlfriend and she said you will have this feeling until they get home from school, make noise, make a mess and then you will wish their school day was longer! She always knows how to snap me out of my moods. Ha!
All week long, I found it hard to write. I had a ton of posts in my head that needed to actually make it to "paper". They were funny, silly and relatable. I just never was able to get it down. I started a couple but they never made it outside of my iPad. The uneasy feeling stayed with me all week. I never did understand what it was all about. I kept telling myself that they were in school and protected.
But then Friday happened. I am not saying by any means that I predicted it but I can say that I understand a tiny speck of feeling protective and uneasy. Confusing helplessness.
Like everyone, I am stunned. 9-11 kind of stunning. Unimaginable, turn-the-TV-off-because-it-was-too-hard-to-bare, stunning. Just stunning. How dare he? How dare he turn the world upside down and then selfishly take his own life? Leaving millions of people without even the justification of an answer. Why? Or even how? Leaving us to speculate and assume. Leaving parents, cars with no decibels. Leaving parents around the world to explain to their 3, 4 or 5-year-olds that there is physical evil in the world. Their sweet worlds filled with princesses, pirates and the upcoming magic of holiday seasons. How dare he?
We choose not to discuss any of this with the kids. Right or wrong. That's what we did. We turned the TV off, played hangman, made ooze, played cards, made puzzles and danced to music in the house. Hugging the boys for the 20 parents that are no longer able to and for the ripple effect of people that events like this create. I cry again as I write those words. My heart and head burn with helpless sadness for them. So many people affected. I am sorry for the evil in the world. Selfish evil. Like everyone around the world, I only wish I could help.